Exciting, Not Settling: How to make it Plan A, when she sees you as Plan B.

So, you're a man and you’ve always known you wanted to be a dad. Maybe you’ve explored different options—surrogacy, adoption, fostering—but something about platonic co-parenting (PCP) speaks to you. You love the idea of raising a child in a stable, loving partnership without the complexities of a romantic relationship. But when you start talking to potential co-parents—especially straight women—you can’t help but wonder: Does she see this as her backup plan?

Well, if that's a concern then here are some suggestions for how to flip the script. Because platonic co-parenting isn’t a Plan B—it’s an intentional, empowering way to build a family. This isn’t about settling; it’s about choosing a parenting path that aligns with values and vision. And the key to making it work? Communicating it that way, from day one.

The Myth of the “Plan B” Narrative

One of the biggest challenges you might face when talking to straight women about PCP is overcoming the assumption that she’s only here because she couldn’t find a romantic partner.

The truth is, society has conditioned us to believe that romantic love is the “ideal” foundation for parenting. But that’s just one of many ways to build a family. If you see PCP as your first choice, the woman you co-parent with needs to feel that, too. If she feels like you’re just looking for anyone to make this work with, she won’t feel valued as an equal.

This is why the way you frame your intentions matters.

How to Make Platonic Co-Parenting Feel Like a Choice, Not a Compromise

1. Own Your Decision—It’s a Strength, Not a Consolation Prize

The way you talk about PCP will set the tone for how a potential co-parent feels about it. If you present it as a fallback option, that’s exactly how she’ll see it. Instead, be clear that this is a conscious decision, not a compromise.

Instead of:
"I never found the right romantic partner, so I figured this was my best option."

Say:
"I’ve always known I wanted to be a father, and for me, the most important thing is raising a child in a stable, loving environment. A romantic relationship isn’t a prerequisite for great parenting, and I love the idea of co-parenting with someone equally invested in building a strong foundation for our child."

2. Highlight What’s Better About PCP Over Romantic Parenting

Platonic co-parenting isn’t less than traditional family models—it’s just different. And in many ways, it’s better.

✅ Clear, upfront agreements – Unlike romantic couples who often assume they’re on the same page, co-parents define their expectations from the start.

✅ No risk of divorce or romantic fallout – You’re not building a family that could dissolve due to a breakup. This is a stable, structured commitment from day one.

✅ Balanced division of responsibilities – Many romantic couples fall into traditional gender roles. In a platonic arrangement, you both decide exactly how things will work from the beginning.

By reinforcing these strengths, you help potential co-parents see this as an intentional, forward-thinking way to raise a child—rather than something they’re settling for.

3. Validate Her Perspective & Create Space for Real Conversations

For a straight woman considering PCP, this might be a shift from what she once envisioned. That doesn’t mean she’s not excited about it, but it does mean she might have some emotions to work through. And that’s okay.

The key is to acknowledge her feelings and give her the space to talk about them—without making it seem like she’s “stuck” with this choice.

Consider asking:
🔹 What excites you most about this parenting path?
🔹 What are your biggest concerns?
🔹 What would make this feel like an equal partnership for you?

When she feels heard and validated, she’ll feel more confident that this is a true partnership—not just something she’s doing because she ran out of time.

4. Build a Shared Vision of Parenthood

At the end of the day, what makes a great co-parenting partnership isn’t how you met—it’s whether you have a shared philosophy of parenting. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have (a romantic connection), focus on what you do have:

💡 A shared commitment to being present, active parents
💡 A dedication to raising a child with love, stability, and support
💡 A vision for a collaborative parenting journey

This is why setting up a co-parenting agreement early on is so important. It gives both of you a clear framework for how you’ll approach parenting together. Platforms like aParently and SevenSeven offer resources to help navigate this process​.

Flip the Narrative: A Future-Focused Mindset

When you talk about platonic co-parenting, remember: you’re not offering her a backup plan—you’re offering her an incredible, intentional opportunity.

💬 Instead of: “I hope you’re okay with this being Plan B.”
💬 Say: “I’m so excited about this path, and I want a partner who’s equally excited to build this family with me.”

If you bring confidence and clarity to the conversation, you’ll attract someone who sees this the same way you do—as a progressive, intentional, and deeply meaningful way to create a family.

Let’s start normalizing platonic co-parenting as a first choice—because for you, it already is.